This is a partial transcript of a diagnostic interview of SUBJECT JAMES FRANK, sufferer of Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder).
It was conducted by DR. FREDERICK RASPUENEL, Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry at the University of California, Barstow. Also in attendance was DR. LISA SABERSTEIN, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, University of Phoenix, Orem, Utah Branch.
DR. RASPUENEL: Hi, it is good to meet you, Mr. FRANK. I am DR. RASPUENEL and I am a Psychiatrist. I’ve been asked by your family to interview you. How are you today?
SUBJECT: I am doing well Dr. But I am not sure why my family has asked me to meet with you. And please call me JAMES.
DR. RASPUENEL: Well, that is what we are here to find out. How old are you, JAMES, and where did you grow up and what do you do for a living?
JAMES: I am 34, I grew up in Deerfield, Illinois, which is a small suburb just north of Chicago, and I am a CPA.
DR. RASPUENEL: An accountant?
JAMES: A Certified Public Accountant.
DR. RASPUENEL: Ah.
DR. SABERSTEIN: And there is a difference?
JAMES: Most definitely, though, it is a common misconception. An accountant is more of a general term for a finance professional. They have met the educational requirements to obtain their accounting degree but they have not been certified in any way other than their education. A CPA is licensed by their state and has passed the state exam.
DR. RASPUENEL: Very interesting. Most interesting. So, you are good with numbers?
JAMES: Yes, most assuredly.
DR. RASPUENEL: Excellent. Then you wouldn’t mind us doing a quick test of your mathematical skills.
JAMES: Not at… all…
(SUBJECT becomes slightly disoriented. Eyes close and head nods down as if falling asleep)
DR. RASPUENEL: JAMES? JAMES? Are you alright?
(SUBJECT stirs and lifts head and makes eye contact with both DOCTORS)
JAMES: Excuse me, I seem to have… I’m sorry? What were we discussing?
DR. SABERSTEIN: The difference between a CPA and an Accountant.
JAMES: Ah, yes, it is mostly certification, though CPA’s can have a broader range of responsibilities than an Accountant.
DR. RASPUENEL: I see, and how long have you been a CPA, JAMES?
JAMES: I’m sorry, I have a degree in accounting, but am not a CPA. I am a Financial Adviser for Smithson Briggs. And please call me JIM, only my mother calls me JAMES.
(DOCTORS RASPUENEL and SABERSTEIN begin a side-bar, discussing excitedly between each other. The recording device was unable to pick this conversation up.)
DR. SABERSTEIN: And how old are you, JIM, and where did you grow up?
JIM: I am 34 and I grew up in Morton Grove, Illinois, a small suburb just north of Chicago.
DR. RASPUENEL: Very interesting. And what do you do as a Financial Advisor for Smithson Briggs?
JIM: Well, I primarily render financial services to individuals. This can involve investment advice, which may include pension planning, and/or advice on life insurance and other insurances such as income protection insurance, critical illness insurance etc., and/or advice on mortgages.
DR. SABERSTEIN: Hmmmmm. And how do you go about deciding on how best to provide these services?
(SUBJECT, once again, becomes slightly disoriented. Eyes close and head nods down as if falling asleep. The DOCTORS quickly begin writing out their observations in their notebooks.)
DR. SABERSTEIN: JAMES? JIM? Anyone?
(SUBJECT stirs and lifts head and eye contact with both Doctors, once again.)
JIM: I’m sorry. Excuse me, were we discussing something of importance?
DR. RASPUENEL: Yes, we were, in fact. Just for the record, may I ask your name again, where you were born and what you do for a living?
JIM: Absolutely. My name is John, I am 34 and I work as a Lending Officer in the US BANK and LOAN. I was born in Lincolnwood, which is a small suburb just north of Chicago, Illinois.
(DOCTORS RASPUENEL and SABERSTEIN immediately begin discussing quietly amongst themselves.)
JOHN: May I ask why you need to know?
— — –
After this point the remaining recording is garbled and undecipherable.
The summarization of the final findings by the DOCTORS are outlined thusly:
12 separate and distinct functional personalities.
#1 — James Frank, 34 years old from Deerfield, Illinois, CPA
#2 — Jim Franks, 34 years old from Morton Grove, Illinois, Financial Advisor
#3 — John Franck, 34 years old from Lincolnwood, Illinois, Lending Officer
#4 — Jonny Franck, 34 years old from Winnetka, Illinois, Actuarial Consultant
#5 — Jimmy Franc, 34 years old from Glencoe, Illinois, Pension Administrator
#6 — John Frank, 34 years old from North Brook, Illinois, Credit Analyst
#7 — James Franc, 34 years old from Skokie, Illinois, Corporate Treasurer
#8 — James Franck, 34 years old from Evanston, Illinois, CMA
#9 — John Frank, 34 years old from Niles, Illinois, Commodity Broker
#10 –Jim Frank, 34 years old from Lake Forest, Illinois, Tax Adviser
#11 –James Franks, 34 years old from Glenview, Illinois, Investment Fund Manager
#12 — Bambi Sugarslopes, 19 years old from Malibu, California, Exotic Dancer
Final recommended course of treatment:
No action necessitated, no one will notice (though DR. RASPUENEL asks to be notified immediately if BAMBI is dominant.)