I Could Be The Next Steve Jobs: The Facts

Not to belabor a popular 2001: A Space Odyssey comparison in the Tech Industry, but Steve Jobs is our Monolith, only with rounded corners and intergrated branding. And frankly, I am the Star Child.

Listen, I don’t mean to try and build myself up too much here, but I am kinda awesome. I mean, my potential is full of stars. As a matter of fact, as the Star Child, I am pretty sure it is my destiny (if I understood the movie correctly) to be the next Monolith (Steve Jobs).

Here are the facts for you to agree with (see, I am already like him).

I have an affinity for unflattering black turtle necks that go back to my childhood

Children are and have always been at the vanguard of fashion. As a kid, all I wanted to wear were turtle necks. Any color. With any type of outer covering; like a sweater, or blazer, or polo, or t-shirt, or button down. I mean it goes great with everything. It’s an ascot without having to explain an ascot! They have rounded corners and integrated branding built-in!! And Steve Jobs smartly and sartorially showed that he maintained his childish sense of fashion even while he became one of the richest most powerful tech lords in history. What is more endearing and relatable in a ruthless authoritarian leader than that?

Yeah, if I am the new Steve Jobs (Monolith) I’ll wear turtlenecks every day and it won’t even be a strategic choice or chore. Let’s do this!

I have a technology vision that excludes any other people’s ideas

It would not be bragging to bring up my deep experience in numerous technology pitches, planning and builds. And I can unequivocally say that I have had my share of brilliant world changing ideas. Ideas that didn’t rely on input from anyone else. Like the reusable Zero G Space Bidet, with rounded corners and modern integrated branding. So amazing! Ahead of its time. We just didn’t solve the splash guard problem, but still…

Or the carbon nano tube fine dining dishware set, with rounded corners and modern integrated branding. Granted the $250k per setting price tag was a bit steep, but you have to pay for quality. Greatness is never free.

Or the ergonomic wifi enabled infrared heads-up coffin display, with rounded corners and modern integrated branding. This one was going places, seriously. Big interest, we just needed to figure out the infrared stuff for inside the coffin and if it was really necessary (I say yes, because, because I had a great lead on some super cheaply priced infrared hardware that would’ve been a steal, so impossible to remove it from the equation).

See? The very best ideas. Every. One.

I know how to hold a grudge forever, but can take the higher road in order to make billions of dollars quickly

As with any high powered self-confident leader of industry, I fully expect to feud with my competitors. I expect there will be long clandestine bouts of espionage as we try to find out what each of us are up to. There will be court battles. There will be catty gossip pieces as we date each other’s exes and escalate property line battles in our Seattle neighborhood where we live next door to each other. We will gladitorially combat it out annually on who has the biggest and sexiest new product reveals showing off the latest rounded corners with integrated branding that we have been working on.

But I, unlike all the other pretenders to the throne, understand, like Steve did, that we should never be above doing the right thing and taking the higher road when there is opportunity to partner and raise our stock prices and sell more product.

That is the true sign of a great leader, and I have that built in to my very soul.

I love aesthetic practical design when built upon the back of child labor in foreign countries

According to most business journals and technology media, a lot of the success of Steve Jobs was due to his flawless design aesthetic and low production costs made possible by Chinese child labor, which created fat margins.

And there is something to be said about that.

Great design should be simple and practical, but executed elegantly. Rounded corners. Branding integrated. Easily identifiable aesthetic that yells familiarity and luxury across nations. All meticulously crafted by tiny Asian hands at the foot of giant industrial stamping machines. The ones inseparable from the others. A beacon of light to the world that even though the financial cost is low, you still have to pay for the moral cost, and that involves sales margin.

I don’t want to say I would ever be as good at this as he was – he was a master, but… the learning curve is short nowadays when it comes to child labor on American products (just ask Ivanka Trump) and I already love rounded corners with modern integrated branding.

I, too, will one day die of cancer

I am maybe not as dedicated to this one, but, it’s in the genes already…

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